If you’ve ever experienced the rejection of a child or other important relationship, then I’m sure you’ll find the observations presented in this article compelling.

Being on the receiving end of a rejection can be devastating.  Whether it’s a boss, a parent, or a relative, the pain can be very difficult to contend with. If it’s your child, you tend to feel particularly vulnerable.

Most parents, when rejected by a child, tend to think of everything they did wrong, or maybe that “one” thing they did wrong that could have caused the rift, playing over and over in their minds how they could have changed that “one” thing.

I have observed some common characteristics of people who are on the receiving end of parental alienation. These three main traits are:

1. They are available
2. They are guileless
3. They are powerless

Following is a discussion of each of these traits.

Available:  Children rarely reject unavailable or abusive parents. Usually when that happens it is not without a great amount of anguish and grieving. When a child alienates a parent, he/she does so with impudence. He/she experiences no sense of loss or regret. Instead, he/she feels relieved. Internally, the child knows he/she could have the rejected parent back at any time. This emboldens the child and helps him/her realize that there is no great risk in rejecting the available parent.

Guileless:  People who are guileless tend to be “innocent and without deception.”  Guileless individuals usually project their innocence onto others and don’t see why they are being rejected, because it is not something they, themselves would ever do to anyone.  Alienated parents are usually not interested in playing dirty or fighting unfair.

The rejecting child is usually psychologically manipulated by the other parent or other important person (who is willing to fight dirty) to reject the guileless parent. It is a form of propagandizing the child and is akin to the mob effect of bullying.

Powerless: The rejected parent has somehow demonstrated a feeling of low power to their rejecting child. The shrugging of the shoulders and the attitude of, “what can I do?” comes to mind. This parent has insinuated to their rejecting child that the child has the power, not the parent. This usually happens in narcissistic relationships where the other parent imputes power into the child, causing the child to believe that he has more power than the rejected parent.

Trump Card:  This nails the coffin on the relationship. It is not a characteristic of the rejected parent, but it is an essential ingredient in the alienation process.

This involves the occurrence of a flaw, mistake, or failure on the part of the alienated parent. This failure is capitalized on by the narcissist or other alienating other as evidence of the rejected parent’s inadequacy. The alienated parent usually “owns” his/her failure and everyone believes it is so egregious that that parent has lost his/her value in the parent-child relationship.

Many people find they can successfully limit or change their gambling through the use of change strategies. We have all used these types of strategies at some time in our lives, whether it be sticking to an exercise plan, or cutting back on gambling. 

These change strategies can be implemented without professional oversight, but it can be helpful to check in with a counsellor on the best ways to implement or maintain them.  You can speak to one of our counsellors about implementing these strategies today

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It’s ideal to select at least 2-3 strategies at a time to work on. If you notice that the strategy is no longer working for you – swap it for a different one. 

You will know when it is working because you will have more money in your pocket, and can say that you are successfully limiting your gambling. 

So what’s the best strategy for you? 

Choose something that has worked for you in the past or that you think will work for you now.

Here are the top 20 strategies that people have found useful for limiting or changing their gambling:

• Really accept that gambling needs to change 
• Think about how your money could be better spent 
• Remind yourself of the negative consequences of gambling 
• Remind yourself of the positive consequences of not gambling 
• Make a resolution to change your gambling 
• Compare costs and benefits of continuing to gamble 
• Remind yourself that sometimes people win at gambling but the system is designed for you to lose 
• Engage in an activity that gives you a feeling of achievement 
• Calculate money and time spent gambling 
• Plan ahead and leave credit cards and non-essential cash at home 
• Engage in a new form of entertainment 
• Plan ahead and limit the amount of money you carry 
• Re-establish trust and belief in yourself 
• Complete daily activities around the house 
• Monitor how your emotions relate to gambling 
• Focus on eating a healthy balanced diet 
• Make a daily affirmation such as staying positive or letting go
• Identify inaccurate thoughts about gambling or winning 
• Engage in regular exercise
• Read first hand accounts of other people's experiences.

If you have already made a change you might also consider these tips:

• Focus on not gambling each day at a time 
• Concentrate on being strong or using will power 
• Remind yourself that you don't need to gamble 
• Keep busy to avoid thinking about or engaging in gambling 
• Distract yourself or do something else until the urge to gamble passes 
• Count the days since you've made a change in your gambling
• Engage in behaviours that are incompatible with attending a venue.

Keeping it going

Some people find it is helpful to set a time period for using the strategy such as over a month or two. This gives an inbuilt time to see how it’s going and gives you measurable targets to aim for.

Others also find it’s helpful to tell someone about their strategy and get a buddy to support them.

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